Jokes

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bill
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Re: Jokes

Post by bill » May 10th, 2018, 1:51 pm

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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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bill
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Post by bill » May 11th, 2018, 11:54 pm

Q: How does the ocean say hello?

A: It waves.



Q: What's the worst thing about throwing a party in space?

A: You have to planet.



Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?

A: It needed a root canal.



Q: Why can't you trust atoms?

A: They make up everything!



Q: Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?

A: Because they're meteor.



Q: How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?

A: When it's full.



Q: What washes up on very small beaches?

A: Micro-waves.



Q: What did the tree say to the wind?

A: Leaf me alone!



Q: What kind of music do planets listen to?

A: Nep-tunes.



Q: What do you call a funny mountain?

A: Hill-arious!
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bill
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Post by bill » May 11th, 2018, 11:55 pm

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. 'Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?'


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bill
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Post by bill » May 11th, 2018, 11:58 pm

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."

"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.

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bill
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Post by bill » May 11th, 2018, 11:59 pm

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"

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bill
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Post by bill » May 12th, 2018, 12:01 am

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
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bill
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Post by bill » May 12th, 2018, 12:04 am

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!



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vblogger
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Post by vblogger » May 14th, 2018, 1:13 pm

Guy at a bar: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 20 to 30 times every day.

Guy at a bar: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No I am a barber.

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bill
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Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm

Post by bill » May 14th, 2018, 6:10 pm

Q: What do elves learn at school?

A: The elf-abet.




Q: Why was the math book sad?

A: Because it had so many problems.




Q: What did the calculator say to the math student?

A: You can count on me.




Q: Why did the boy bring the ladder to school?

A: He was going to high school.




Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A: She couldn't control her pupils.




Q: Why was the student's report card wet?

A: It was below C level!




Q: What three candies can you find in every school?

A: Nerds, DumDums, and Smarties.




Q: What did the buffalo say to his kid when he dropped him off at school?

A: Bison (as in, "bye, son")!




Q: What's a snake's favorite subject?

A: Hisstory.




Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses inside?

A: Her students were so bright!
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dom_trev
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Joined: February 16th, 2018, 4:42 pm
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Post by dom_trev » May 17th, 2018, 10:44 am

There's enough jokes here to keep me reading for an hour and not do any work, well done bill.

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